My sweet charade.

`my swirls-*

Wednesday, March 28

i MUST find myself back and get back on my feet again. i want to..

strut down Life's catwalk.

meow. haha.

--

the hearing's getting interesting. very interesting. yay i likee.(:

hm i might stay for another week. not sure if i'm getting my money's worth, though. (esp when there's no money to talk about heh.) gotta think about it.

--

celebrated joan's and qixin's birthdays yesterday. anyhows, i like eating the korean thing thing in the hot stone pot. so nice! haha. yesterday's food reminded me of vjcsb's trip to korea, and oh boy, the memories. its amazing how in only a short one year i've experienced and done so much more things then i have ever done in my other 17 (18?) years combined.

i still hold the view that the Korean Air landing in Hawaii/Korea/Singapore (uh i can't rmb) was the worse landing i've ever experienced.

and even though we spent less than a day in korea, that day, till today, seemed like weeks. it really the longest day ever, and i'm still amazed by that fact. haha.

alrighty. off to run an errand and hopefully i'll be able to make it back in time for the cross-examination before they call it a day. *inserts the dancing banana*

haha okay i dunno where the banana came from but i'm somehow reminded of it. haha!

byee!

-light travels faster than sound.

so some people appear smart until they speak.

`swirl me away
2:01 PM

`my swirls-*

Friday, March 23

i'm freezing.

i'm sorry if this is a rubbish post, but i've got to do something to keep my fingers from stiffening up. gosh the temp here is like subzero.

i feel it. the spark within me has just left and gone. i hate it, hate feeling so lifeless, it feels like a part of me has died. even worse, i think i'm still blaming myself. sheesh.

note to self: get over it, girl. there's so much more to life than this.

-and so begins the long, tedious search for that spark.

`swirl me away
10:50 AM

`my swirls-*

Wednesday, March 21

internship at the law firm has been both interesting and boring. basically it has just been all about sitting in at every meeting with the experts, witness and yada yada and copying stuff down. but still it is interesting, despite me having enough free time to actually finish reading a book today.

oh yes the errands. i really kinda like running errands. cos then i get to take my own sweet time haha. anyhoos today i went to buy dimsum for the team at around 3pm (bill charged to client, of course) and on the way back i was accosted by three different people, of one whom i donated 5 bucks to (ouch. i really only meant to give 2! okay maybe 3, but sadly i had no small change. heh no wonder people keep telling me, change is good.) and the other two tried to tempt me into getting a prudential account thingy and an oub (or is it uob?) lady's card. but anyway that's not the point. the point is that i'm insulted they assumed i'm 21. heh not even close, man. i'm still having trouble remembering that i'm 18 okay. i keep on thinking i'm 17. its in the same way that i keep thinking 2007 was last year and act its somewhat annoying, really.

on the train back today i saw this guy in army uniform and i'm reminded the police guys will be having their Passing Out Parade soon, in which mine, along with some 800? other guys will ceremoniously uh pass out to mark the end of their BMT. haha!

anyhows, its time for me to scrimp and save as i foresee myself working again only in may.):

`swirl me away
11:27 PM

`my swirls-*

Friday, March 16

a charmed life. its like a dream. sometimes when its just too good to be true, you find yourself on the edge and hovering on the verge of flight, preparing yourself for the event when the bar comes crashing down or for the bottom of your world to drop out, all in order to make way for the Real Life.

for now, its bye to the bank and hello to internship and the tuna melt to celebrate. teehee i suspect celebration is just an excuse to indulge. uh there's not much to celebrate anyway. right?

hm. is everyone holding bbqs and stayovers all of a sudden or is it just me?

--

to the hospital on saturday. okay i'm still not over the shock yet. sheesh. i think everyone walking to the driving centre stopped and stared. but then that might be due to the fact that i stood in the middle of the pavement and was blocking the way.

interesting how human reflexes work.

i think that was the loudest "what" i've ever uttered; even the "what" when ms rajan told me i had a1 for gp seconded that.

and that word was all that came out, when what i really wanted to say was, what the freak did you mean by burnt.

`swirl me away
10:46 AM

`my swirls-*

Monday, March 12

first choices, then changes, then choices again. stupid vicious cycle. i'm procrastinating the submission of the nus online application form. everything somehow seems a tad too easy its scary, no?

--

you scratched everywhere but the itch spot. a tease.

`swirl me away
11:58 AM

`my swirls-*

Wednesday, March 7

i was just told that i was "very lucky to be able to go to university."

well my dear, the straight As students in rj might be crying like crazy over their S papers k. pride, you know.

by the way, being able to get into university (and hopefully the course i want) has nothing to do with luck but everything to do with sheer hard work and determination (plus a little streak of genius and smarts, for the people who have it in spades ie. jasontan) okay, you stupid old coot.

urgh.

and tell me what's wrong with doing law.

`swirl me away
3:03 PM

`my swirls-*

Saturday, March 3

sometimes you lose yourself in life, forgetting about everything else but Now. you only notice the strands tied to you when they start pulling.

--

i freaking could have what i wanted.

yea i've learnt.

there's the missing sense of satisfaction, of achievement. and then there's disappointment, cos apparently i didn't want it bad enough.

maybe i should start believing in myself.

-i dearly want peace.

`swirl me away
10:03 PM

`my swirls-*

Friday, March 2

so here i am in the office, trying to instill some form of normalcy (haha ya. blogging during work is normal, too.) in the hopes that i wouldn't be plunged into the roller coaster ride of emotions which would most proly happen if i stay at home/go to school and allow my nervousness and anxiety to stew.

whatever happens, i've got to remind myself that i've got my BTT to sit for tonight.

and whatever happens, i've got to remember that i've got to accept, that i've only got myself to blame.

holy crap.

-its all down to me and my fate mistakes now.

`swirl me away
10:42 AM

`my swirls-*

Thursday, March 1

i'm suddenly reminded of how it felt to be part of tkband again. its true, we love tkband and are proud to be part of it. the one for all, all for one spirit is the kind of thing that we come across and experience only once in a lifetime. (maybe in ns too, but that's isn't for me to say.)

what usually escapes being rmbered is the heaviness that weighs down upon hearing tchow call "band fall in" after section lunches, the drudgery we trudge through when we assemble in the parade square. the weird unsettling feeling when we rush into the field, desperately scraping up whatever we have inside us to project a certain eagerness and trying to pretend that as seniors, we are not obliged/ordered to perform this attitude transplant on ourselves.

we come up with stupid things like having competitions between the flutes, the saxes, the clarinets (and whoever that happens to be at the field) to see who reaches the back of the field and gets into block position first. not forgetting the competition to see which section gives the loudest timing/ shouts the loudest when falling out, all for the sake of hoping that our brain accepts the transplant.

the sun the sweat the sunburns the rawness the aches the dragonflies the dirt the ever-rising tempers. the tears that come from stinging sunblock, dripping sweat, frustration at being unjustly yelled at, frustration at being unjustly punished, foul moods, un-vent anger, and combinations of all.

there was little or no subtlety - a distinctive difference between outdoor and indoor.

--

i've found out recently, to my disgust, that my memory is selective. so anyway i try to impress the times on my memory, (it just wouldn't stay) hoping that i'm able to get a faint inkling of how it is like, so that i can better understand. so that i can empathize and so that when i say "yeah i know" or when i say "hm oh i think i know what you mean", you know i know what i'm you're talking about.

-if only you'd let me, i'll be your summer rain.

`swirl me away
12:41 PM