My sweet charade.

`my swirls-*

Friday, July 29

i miss us.

i read the blog.

i was touched. so so so touched.

i turned off the com and went into my room, prepared to sleep and let my thoughts sizzle and die down like they used to.

my emotions got the better of me.

i turned on the com again.

i just had to let you know.

to let you know that you're the bestest friend that anyone can haf and i love you dearly.

to let you know that i fear in many things that i do too, because you're not there, and i'm so alone.

i feel so so alone.

noone can understand and feel what our friendship was like.

our bond was special and.... special.

strong.

it was so you.

and it was just so me.

and in so, my definition of a best friend was set.

i had hoped to find a few more best friends.

that was during the time when everything was still.. young.

still ...pure.

still ...simple.

but now life's different.

after 4 months.

i came to know a different world.

a totally different place.

suffocating.

but i had to survive.

i had to.

i can't change this place, this world.

i have to learn to live with this aloneness.

and so, life's different now.

life's... i don't know. more jaded maybe? more cynical?

but i know one thing for sure.

i will only haf one best friend in my whole life.

because nothing's the same anymore.

nothing.

it just isn't the same.

the past life i lead allows the space for a best friend.

now this life doesn't allow me one.

i don't want to let you see through me now.

because, i know you'll be disappointed.

because, you'll be disheartened.

because, however hard you try to find, you wouldn't find me anymore.

i love you, i love us, and i love our bond even more.

simplicity in its purest form, yet so very strong.

i don't want to taint it.

when i remember us, i remember the world i used to live in.

but i can't go back anymore.

i can only go forward, on and on.

i can once look back with bittersweet memories, but i can never go back.

never.

i can't.

what else can i say?

i want to preserve this bond.

to keep it as an everlasting memory.

like a dried rose.

dead, but so alive in the once in a while reminiscing that i allow myself.

yes i know this friendship between us will die.

a month later. a year later. two years later. mabbe three?

i don't know.

but i know that it will never die in my memory.

simply because it is hard to forget.

i know that there's a chance of me hurting you by doing this.

i hurt.

but this is the only way i can think of to keep this bond alive in me.

i'm sorry.

i hope you understand.

i'm so very sorry. ='(((((

-

i'm gonna haf swollen eyes tomorrow morn.

`swirl me away
1:17 AM